I just dont know how to process my feeling - 21 March 2024

 21 March 2024

Already 3 months into 2024 and within a week more I will leave this place. In terms of students, I guess I feel very much comforted to leave, they have proven themselves worthy and they had took my challenge seriously, last year end result showed it all. Most of them did extremely well. the 7 prodigals of my F3, plus one at the right path did so so well. The steady one I expect to do well only but they all surprised me0.....6 of them are in Science class, which is a big surprise....and their hard work paid it off. My heart is so glad. The F2 also did very well, Nerly and Nicole also got unexpected result which i am so well pleased, not to leave the F1....oh boy....so so so well.....even the weakest and laziest also did super well.....I would say that is the biggest pride of my life. What me and mama Meng did really paid off. It makes whole lot of difference having an assistant which have same heart for the kids...we may have differences but our love for the girls is the same. I am really proud of them.

The only thing I am concern is the new warden.....from day 1 perhaps I already had bias towards her...how can a pastor and a new warden reporting to a new hostel, fully run Christian way did not even bring a physical bible ? She should be the shepherd for the girls....if the love for His words is not there...how far can this hostel go? There are many things I can say about the wrong things about her...but perhaps it is my bar that is too high...but Gods standard is even higher, isnt it ? She griefed me many times....coupled with pastor....many times I feel bullied here.....this hostel objective seems to divert now...not towards students welfare anymore but to the comfort of the warden. So sad....or perhaps there is this little jealousy that I wasnt been taken good care of, only my Father in heaven really showed me His love and favor...the rest are basically disheartening, but I know this call here...i pressed on...and finally today I see the fruits, I guess coz they feel the impact of me leaving and really that their last expression of love is just to do well academically, for this I am grateful. Lord, help me to guard my heart......teach me to release it to You! It is time to fully let go...all the hurts and disappointments...just let it go....the Lord knows....

2 girls from last year batch werent accepted back to hostel although the new warden said she would take them in, but after discussion, the answer is still NO. Was it her decision or the boss? I dont know, but my heart just break. What I had journeyed with this girl for 2 years now seems to have no more continuity. Will she be accepted back 2025? If this year she didnt catch up with her studies, I doubt she will be in next year. Hostel suppose to be a place of opportunity to bring ppl closer to God, esp those whom we think is teachable....I had journeyed with her much, she had proven herself worthy....but our pastor and new warden choose to use their own physical nature to judge things without considering what I had built past years...it is sad...all the more more sad because both are pastors...where are the shepherd heart ? I dont know, perhaps I am being oversimplistic....i dont judge people, I do whatever it takes to bring a person back to the kingdom of God....perhaps that is also one reason why I got so hurt easily coz I got involved in person's life easily. I wonder if Jesus is still in this world....what would He do? I believe He will do the same....did he reason so many things when He helped people? Did he consider the Father's kingdom when he bring the sinners to Him ? And why do we need to justify so much as of the person is worthy to be helped or not ? Lord, just help me to process this through. I was very angry....but I guess i shouldnt be feeling guilty about the anger, it is a holy anger....injustice done to my girl....the cultural background of the village...dont the 2 pastors know that we even have to educate the parents to grow? They made wrong decision, we are suppose to gently remind them and bring the best out of them....am I doing it wrongly in interfering what is the best for this girl? How can this be pushy and wrong? Lord, help me......seriously....hands are letting go....God, in the end You are the one who justify and they are answerable to You....so help me to rest my case....take the pain away from me. Fleshy speaking...I just wanna pack my bag and leave....this is really too much....for the sake of the girls....I tahan...1 more week....

The road ahead....I really dont know....but I know He will be in control...into Your hand I commit to You Lord!

UNTITLED 8 FEBRUARY 2024

 I've got plenty of time to kill in the airport, but time passed so fast that now it is 3.43 pm...by 445pm I will have to go take the 40kg luggage in the Fireflyz office as I pinjam the place there. Out of pity they keep my things so I can roam around. They thought I will go out from airport but I am just here, just do not want to sorong the trolley here and there and with the frozen prawn I have...oh Lord...I dont know how it melted there...if melted totally, will just bless them instead of taking it back to sister place. 

I dont know why but last few months been really taxing for me. Heavy bleeding, fell down, arm pain, bla bla bla....things are moving so so fast, that sometimes I just don't know where is my time. Packing my stuff been really emotional for me. Each time I see something that reminds me of the students, I will just cry. Sometimes I am thinking to myself...the struggles this few months, is it that the Lord is not pleased with me, is there some decision that I had made that is not of the Lord ? The emotional ups and down sometimes really make me feel that...God...take me HOME!!

Today is a classic example of everything go wrong. Past 2 weeks I dont know why, it is just like I have so much of negative confession. I am feeling like the devil is laughing at me..laughing at all my mistakes, my naiveness and sometimes I wonder, like Job....curse God and die....at times there is this feeling in me....It is really a battle. I have been feeling so troubled about my car, my packing, my handover, SPM kids, menu of the day...practically everything. But in front of people, I am still the calm and still Celina, trusting and always hanging on to God. I wish I would have someone who is more mature than me and I can totally cry out so loud...and asked....where is God really? YEa....He is good to me...all on hindsight....but am I denial? The whisper of the enemy is so loud that I sometimes failed to shut him off. I stumbled and fall....all behind curtain. Lord, please help me.

Last 2 cycle of connect is about love...not with hypocrisy....honor and forgive...all these are hard to churn message yet spoke so much to heart. How many times my heart been scarred and hurt...yet I moved on...no one to be blame but myself. Yesterday I shared in connect that I have no issue with forgiveness but issue with honour...but i guess the biggest enemy is myself. I always condemn myself. Why am I always needing people to approve of what I do ? Why am I depended on how people look at me ? They dont even feed me....why cares so much? Lord, only You know what is really happening to me....I ask that Lord, give me strength to soar in this life. I have alot fear when I am in sis house....even I know many things have changed....still....where is my identity ? I have always been others helper...but when I really need help, actually I dont really know who to turn to. I guess it has to do with trust issue. I just find it hard to trust that there is a genuine friend coz so many come and go....those whom I loved, those who used to be so close to me...in the end people moved on while I am still hanging on past memories....that is my one weakness....as much possible, i will try to make connection, try to catch up and encourage ppl to love God more...but at times, when I needed motivation...it is through Him that I got it....

Yesterday my heart grief coz things in hostel, today I missed my flight, but I managed to save a soul....I pray no more other hindrance....and later when weigh luggage I wont be charged overweight...Lord please help me go through this smoothly. I commit all to You Abba! You know best...please come and heal this broken heart over and over and over again, the disappointment with men...take it away so I can soar high without the negative thoughts in me...I am battling hard....real hard...not sure it is a good time that I will be out of job....idle mind is the room for the enemy to attack! Lord keep me occupy and fruitful. Thank You Abba.....I commit my life totally in Your hand!

29 August 2023 2.36pm Beverly Hill Phase 3 - Konferensi PMM 44

Here am I, taking some time off, just to be alone, interceding for my girls rather being there physically. Yesterday evening, during 1st session, my heart was so sceptical, I was sarcastically thinking of how WOW-ed this conference is and despite so many students, why Sabah is still so poor spiritually? The Lord rebuke me.....and asked me to fast and pray for them. I was reluctant, but Ps Daniel message confirmed to me, Mark 9:29. My heart was unrest, throughout the conference, it is just I do not know who can I share with....Lord, You know my heart best....so please grant me discernment and wisdom of what and how should I do....I know You are great....I pray that you will be gracious and pull me out of spirit of comparison. Help me to be who I am and be a proud daughter of Yours.

I know this is a season of quietness, where I should zipped my mouth, and just continue to trust You. There are many plans and desire ahead...but Lord, what is it that You are calling me to do ? Help me Lord, to understand Your calling. Help me to unload everything to You Abba! How long should I bear this burden? I just wish there would people who would understand what I am thinking, but I know I am unique and there is none would understand, and I know You will reveal Your plan to me.

My one desire...Lord revive these kids of mine. I stand in the gap for them, I come before the throne room of God and present them before Abba, that by the blood of Christ, they will be protected, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Lord I cried out to You on behalf of this state of Sabah, vindicate Your people, let revival happen in this place Abba! Thank You Jesus....You are good :) 

You collect my tears in a bottle 14 Aug 2023

 10.53 am

Just nag my girls again on prayer. Sometimes perhaps I put too much expectation on them....expecting them to behave like adult. I know sometimes i could be too much, but I know it is also part of growth for them. If they could grasp it....it will be good, if not...along their way, I pray they will learn too. This journey in hostel is all about prayer....the basis for this hostel is prayer. How the old girls are praying for God to vindicate them from the tyranny of previous warden, how I struggled to keep myself in the hostel despite the mockery of previous warden, how I persevere on with much prayers for things to change here, how from nothing to seeing how God brought the hostel into greater heights and improving academics, how God answers my prayer for rubbish bins, for roads, for supply of waters and many more things....the basis are all prayers.....how can I not stress on prayer here ? Lord please help me to guard my heart. I just wish these girls would know how much do I love them....and I understood how Christ cried and suffers as He was sent by Father to save the world, yet the persecution that He faced....so extreme and excruciating....and how can I complain as what I went through is nothing compared with what Christ went through to redeem me. Lord I just pray that You will help me to load all my burden to you.

Past weeks, each time I prayed for the students here, I just cant control my tears from flowing. Each time I commit them to the Lord, my heart just cried. Perhaps in my mind my time in hostel is numbered....not long, I will be leaving them...and how I wish that they would understand my heart for them, it is never to shame or punish them, it is never to scold...but it is that I love them, and I do want the best for them.

Being in the hostel, I had learned many things where marriage doesnt teach me. I had the opportunity to bring up kids, I had the chance to be a mom to many girls, I felt how a mom felt when a child rebel. I felt how a dad felt when he tried to bring his kids close to God and to see them went wayward, I could feel the pain a mom would feel when the kid disobeyed, lies, and rebel. I have the opportunity to experience this when I am not married. Past 2 years I had the opportunity to have people disagree with me, I had the experience of different ways of parenting, of how I give and take, and how I learn to stand on what is right. It is like having a partner whom I disagree, and yet have to resolve issues for the benefit of the kids here, for the testimony in the hostel. All these I know isnt coincident, but Abba had orchestra it for me. Lord, thank You, thank You for showing me all this...but yet my heart still feeling the pain amidst of all these valuable lessons. Lord teach me to submit fully to You as the Head of the hostel, as the Sovereign God....

Even for this medical condition, or whatever it may be called.....I know You wont allow me to go through what I cant endure. Even if i am to face disease, Lord let it be also a testimony of my life that people will see You are in me, and when You are in me, I will not be afraid....many times I shudder and tremble.....what ifs, but I know...there is no point to be thinking of the what ifs, because You have always been with me...I just want my life to be a living testimony...even to point of death, I know this call of Yours will never leave me, the call to reach others, the call to love others, the call to impart and impact...I know these are the things I needed to do......but at same time, I am like a wayward child at times....always wanting to run away from the call....like it is too much a burden to carry....but deep inside me I know who is carrying me....YOU.....have always been carrying me.....close to Your heart. So thank You Abba for not letting me go. Lord, please grant me strength....allow me to always lean on You and have the peace....help me not to be on my own....I need you every moment of my life...so Lord.....please always remind me that this is not my ministry but Yours. Help me not to force things to happen before its time. Guard my heart, Abba....that I will constantly stay focus in You!

THank You Abba, thank You Abba, Love You Jesus.......

26 July 2023 - 8.07 AM

 This morning I have a very good good prayer meeting with KK Team. Am glad they go online back and I am able to join them. Always refreshed to be able to sit still and pray through. I am so thankful, my prayer life been improved. Loving all the changes God had prompt me to, and greater things ahead. 

I felt this is season where much prayer is needed esp for Kingdomcity as a church. I know enemy working hard, and as we accelerate as church, the enemy wont be happy and it will continue to kacau us, but we are more than conqueror and we will sent the enemy into hell soon. He will be tied and bound forever. Lord, Your power has healed Ps Paul and Pr Fi. I commit my own health into Your hand too Abba, I know you are working, and I know I am having victory coz it has been won on the cross. 

I dont know what are the road ahead of me but I know God will lead me. Things in hostel are picking up as well. Challenges here and there but I know God is on the throne. Lord please guard my F1 girls...let them experience you like never before. This is my last year with the girls, will surely miss them much, Lord help me to pace myself, not to overwork myself...and help me to release to You whatever I am not able to bear on my own. I feel bad for the girls sometimes, they have got quite abit disciplinary action towards them, I guess that is how I will feel if one day i am married and my husband is disciplining my kids...haha...just like at times how I ache when I myself discipline them. Guess I am being too soft, but Dani remind me of a good point, that a good mother will not always say YES to the kids. The more NO it is, the kids will know boundaries better and grow up better. 

God have been showing me alot things, changes that happen deep inside of me.....I know it is God....and I am so so thankful being at the right place at the right time, being planted in KC as leader and growing together with team. I pray that Lord will guard this unity of team, the leadership in KC Online, Lord, I declare and decree Your goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our life, always and forever :) 

3 June 2023 - Sutera Inn OYO Inanam

 Amazing things are coming my way...little by little, God is revealing things to me....from Kingdomcity service on 28th May, how Kevin shared on moving on to the new depth....new things, expansion that God is giving to one who current situation would not be able to soar...and how leaving behind one whom you disciple is all right coz God loves them much more than I do....like a confirmation from the Lord.

Today Pastor Rajan told me my season here is over,.....and He will send me far.....and Jesyline has a call in her life....God, thank You for your leading. I am looking forward for more to come....You are so so good :) 

As for Edward, Lord, I need Your confirmation...I had been trying to forget and move on....but I dont know why it is so difficult...not that my heart is totally on him....but just that we are in an awkward situation, perhaps to him it is nothing but to me....sigh, i kept on expecting....Lord please help me :( Help me to see your clear plan in my life....Your leading to me is very very very important....I know You will reveal to me....I just know...so Lord help me to be patient and lay everything down to You.

Thank You Lord, I pray that You will help me and my girls to enjoy the 3 days together. Thank You Abba! In Jesus Name, Amen!

11 Jan 2023 - One Hectic week

 Thank You Lord for the new year....

I know it is not a good beginning of the year, but Lord I know that You are in control. I know YOU had changed this heart of mine, there are so much things happened today, but You are in control....You will keep me in perfect peace, whose heart is set on You! Isaiah 26:3...yes Lord....

I know today my heart is steady because I have You, and You have always been my assurance, so thank You, despite all the negative situation, I still praise You...i know something good will come out of it Lord.

Abba, I bring Alidah before you, heal her Abba, let her experience for real, You reality in her life....let her experience You personally....I pray for the scan, I decree everything will be all right. I pray she will find the purpose behind all that had happened...let her begin to ponder and praise You!

Lord, I bring Christian before You, YOu know Him inside out, Lord for the interview tomorrow, I pray that he will do well and I pray for favor from the interviewer, that he will get the job that he desire...thank You Jesus, it will be done according to Your will.

Lord, for Edward, in the Name of Jesus, heal him of his autism, In the Name of Jesus, whatever brokenness in His life, You take it away, Lord heal his heart so that his life would flourish and even as he desire to serve you in mission field again, Lord equip him, let him be patience in waiting, for in Your time, it will come...

Lord for Online Campus, thank You for Pr Mike & Pr Brooke, even as they are adjusting themselves in Bali, Lord I pray for supernatural strength and adaptation, that they and their kids will adapt well, they will understand Your leading, I pray for widsom and discernment, no weapon formed against them will ever prevail. 

Lord for all connects and church at homes, Lord, bring in harvest, meantime let Your people be hardworking in sowing the seeds.....help us not to be complacent Abba.....

Lord thank You for healing, thank You for healing Riana, thank You for your favor over the application of her daughter visa, it will be approved and all be well, Lord for Delphine's dad, in the Name of Jesus, spirit of death, go away! We cast you into the pit of hell. Delphine's dad shall live. Lord, we proclaim healing in her dad life, I pray you grant Delphine strength and wisdom as well. Help her to be strong and continue to show love to her family, that they will know that you are true and living God, thank You Abba!! You are good. 

Lord, for my family....especially brother,....Lord, save him and his family.....I wait on You, for that glorious day...I know You are going to do it! In your timing, meantime, please give me the patience to pray through without giving up. Lord for my mama.....I thank You Lord, that You had kept her strong and healthy, I know it is YOU.....You never fail me....so Lord, thank You for your faithfulness. Continue to watch over my mama, and my sis family. Lord intervene in things that she needed to change, Lord just speak to both her and her husband...You are good, Abba, thank You Jesus...I love you!